What if...

What if it gets more difficult than this?

It seems that every year I tell myself that next year will be easier.  This year is the hardest.  Just get through this.

Get a good score on the MCAT, and then I'll be in.

Get through Anatomy, and it will be downhill.

Get past Step 1, and the rest will be easier.

Get into a residency, and then I'll be doing what I want.

And the morning I signed my residency contract it just so happened that another positive on a different kind of test added an additional layer of complexity.

Once he sleeps through the night...

Once he's sitting up...

Once he's done breast-feeding...

Once he's walking...

Once he's potty trained...  (We're still dreaming about that one.)

You can only imagine what new things I anticipate now that Griffin is here.

Today, as my hands wrinkled in the sink full of dirty dishes and empty bottles, I found myself thinking about my present circumstance.  It wasn't a pity party about being overworked, overwhelmed, or over-tired.  It was an odd sense of pride that I'm surviving.  I'm doing it.  The strength is there.  It's just enough, but it's there.  I am a resident physician and a mom of two under two.  Arguably, each of these situations is the most challenging period of its perspective role, and I'm doing it.  I'm surviving.  Once this is over, everything else is going to be cake.  I'll sleep more.  I'll be in better shape.  I'll be better with my devo's.  I'll have more time to travel.  Yatta-yatta. 

Then it hit me.  What if I'm wrong?  What if the trend continues?  What if this snowball of responsibility keeps right on growing instead of melting away?  What if it doesn't get easier?  What if there is something more challenging, more difficult, and more taxing than being a resident and a mom of two under two?  What if my health that fades?  What if it's my family's?  What if the economy steals our jobs?  What if my kids rebel?  What if my marriage weakens?  What if disaster strikes?

Thankfully, I'm not the one who knows the answer.  So, instead of fearing the "what if's" a moment longer, I'm instead going to enjoy this moment knowing that I am doing it.  And as I stare into this smiling face on my lap I'm loving it, too.