10 Reasons to NOT Call Your Doctor at 2 AM:

The disclaimer: These may, or may not, be based on actual events.  If you think one was you or someone you know, it wasn't.  I promise.  Actually, they are all overly dramatized... for the most part, and I really do like my job... for the most part.

10.  Because you can't breath.

Calling for breathing problems is generally very appropriate, and you should usually call any time day or night.  However, if you literally CANNOT breath, please do not waste your time calling our office; having the call center page me; to have me roll out of bed, turn on the lamp, find my glasses, find my pager, find my phone, then return the page to them; to finally get your name, date of birth, and phone number; to call you; to hear you say: "I ... (gasp) ... am ... (gasp) ... short ... (gasp) ... of ... (gasp) ... breath ... (gasp, gasp)"  Call 9-1-1!  I'll see you at 4AM when the ER calls me to admit you to the I.C.U..

9.  Because your dentist told you to.

If you are a dentist, I respect the work you do, and I probably would like you as a person.  But I have to confess there have been a few times that I have cursed your profession under my breath.  There are a rare few dentists out there creating a bad taste in my mouth just as I'm sure there are a few Family Physicians out there doing the same.  Regardless, it is never fun to get the call from a patient that had dental work the previous day, now their pain is uncontrolled and they were told to call their family doctor if that happened outside of their dentist's regular office hours.  Please manage your own complications.

8.  Because your 8 year old has had a cold for 3 days, it is getting better, they don't have a fever, and they have been normally eating, drinking, peeing, pooping, playing, and currently are sleeping comfortably.

And what is your question?  You need a note to keep them out of school tomorrow?  Really?  Sure there have been plenty of times I've sent parents to the ER at 2AM for kids with fevers, coughs, vomiting, etc...  It's totally appropriate to call if you're wondering if you should go to the ER.  But I can promise you I won't be inviting you to swing my my house at 2:30AM to pick up a note for school.

7.  To see if your regular doctor has open appointments in the morning.

Enough said.

6.  Because you have diarrhea and you're supposed to have a colonoscopy in the morning.

Can you say "colon prep."  I've sat through a few pre-colonoscopy appointments, and I've yet to be at one where they forget to mention this small side effect.  On the off chance they forget to tell you when you go in for yours, here's your warning: You. Will. Have. Diarrhea.

5.  To ask if the doctor who sent you home from the hospital 2 weeks ago wanted you to take a baby or full dose aspirin.

First question, it was two weeks ago and you're just thinking of this now?  Second, maybe that's a question you should ask that doctor?  Third, who takes aspirin at 2AM?

4.  To discuss your genital warts.

It may be surprising, but this is not all that uncommon.  It may not be as surprising that I have yet to see a genital wart emergency.  Who knows... maybe some day.

3.  Because you're in the ER waiting room, and you've been waiting too long.

Picture this with me.  You are sitting in a hospital ER waiting area.  The chairs really aren't that comfortable.  You are surrounded by several other people patiently waiting for their name to be called.  Some bleeding.  Others coughing.  Babies crying.  Through the large, somewhat-bullet-proof glass window looking into the nurse's station you can see nurses, doctors, phlebotomists, and X-ray staff hurriedly running around as efficiently as they can to get people in and out.  You suddenly realize you have been waiting 20 minutes and that guy next to you with chest pain got in after waiting for 2.  What do you do?  Option 1: Go up to the desk, and see why you haven't been called; Option 2: Continue to wait patiently and know that next time "stubbed toe" won't get you very high on the list; or Option 3: Call and wake me up to complain and find out that I actually won't "pull some strings" to get you in.  Hmmm...

2.  Narcotics.  Narcotics.  Narcotics.

They call it pain meds, pain pills, the-only-thing-that-works, narcotics, what-your-other-doctor-promised, or that medicine that starts with a "P".  Even if your kid flushed it, your dog ate it, some stranger broke into your house and stole it, or if it was lost in your luggage when you flew back from the funeral of your great aunt twice removed in Arkansas, I won't refill it.

1.  Because you can't sleep.

And now I can't either.  Thanks!