Cynic

There is what seems to be a right of passage in my profession.  One that isn't glamorous.  One that most people aren't aware of.  Heck, I didn't even really know it existed until I was well on my way to becoming it with my feet sprinting down the road of cynicism.  Becoming jaded.  Losing my innocence and naivety.  I even felt a little pride when my staff physician last year laughed and said, "Wow, Susan, you're already jaded."  It felt like I was joining their club.  I was a "real" doctor.  So mature.  Now the cynic in me has taken over and trying to pull back the reigns to let some compassion creep in is more difficult than it should be.

Unfortunately, it isn't just the "Dr. Newman" side of me that is a cynic.  It has rubbed off and left muddy fingerprints on the "Susan" side of the rest of my life, too.  My ability to doubt, mock, and judge is quick, sharp, and effortless.  Sickening.

Some day I hope to find the balance between naivety and cynicism.  Wisdom.

James & Dave

Despite the fullness of my schedule with all that is residency, the time set aside for two non-medical, yet equally educational, studies has been so amazing in the past couple of months.  It's incredible how much of an impact a few hours a week can have.  When my eyes open in the morning my mind begins to ruminate on what I'm learning in these groups, and it can't help but spill out into the rest of my day.  I know the intent of any study is to learn something new and hopefully to have a lasting impact, but it is so beautiful when it works.  As I'm in clinic, driving around, delivering babies, or making supper little one-liners pop into my head and once in a while even fall out of my tongue.  "Don't show favortism" even when it's an uninsured, city-call patient.  "What would Dave say if you went out to eat... again?"  I'm so excited to share what I'm learning.

The first is a financial study Jason and I are going through with group of a few other young couples we've been getting together with on Sunday nights.  It. Is. Good!  If you're interested it is called Financial Peace University (or call it "FPU" if you want to sound cool) by the blunt Dave Ramsey.  Jason and I have always been in agreement to be "responsible" with our money, and we've listened to Dave on his radio show for years.  However, this has forced us to take it to the next level, fight about where each dollar is going, and, literally, put our money where our mouth is when it comes to our goals and priorities.  If tithing is a priority, how did we "forget" last month?  If being debt free is more important than a tan, why are we planning a cruise?  It's like exercise: time-consuming, uncomfortable, and slow; but worth it.

The other is a group of women I'm starting to meet on Monday nights for Bible study.  Right now we are going through the book of James (as taught by Beth Moore).  If you think Dave Ramsey is blunt, to the point, and in your face, put on your thick skin for James!  I'm being rocked by his teachings, but I'm also remembering how cool this whole entire book is!  Genesis to Revelation.  It has given me boat load of humility (which I need), but also a renewed awe and hunger for real wisdom.  It's that wierd paradigm in which you fill a void, but at the same time realize that the void is bigger than you thought.  One answer leads to ten more questions.  Like when I eat ice-cream it makes me want to eat more ice-cream.  I get full and more hungry at the same time.

Now that I'm off topic and craving chocolate chip cookie dough, my point was going to be to introduce you to my two new friends: James and Dave.

How I Do It

Easily, the question I am most often asked is: "How do you do it, Susan?"  I usually have a less than adequate answer such as "I don't know, I just do."  I know that's not the thoughtful answer they might have been expecting, but the other answer is long and complicated and most of the time I don't even know.  Also, the truth is, that even though I do it (whatever it is), I don't always do it well.  This morning, however, I feel like all the balls in the juggling act of my life are still in the air so it's as good of a time to figure out an answer.  Without further procrastination, here are a few pieces of my strategy.

#1.  Have a plan.  Some people would call this discipline.  Others would call it being anal.  Regardless, I find the only way for me to get things done is to map it out.  I live and breath by my calendar.  Actually, my calendars.  I know where I'm going and where I need to be.  I used to know what we were going to eat for the week, now we know what we're going to eat for the whole month.  So much time is saved when all I have to do is look at the menu hanging on the refrigerator door and say, "Jambalaya tonight," instead of hum-and-hawing in front of an empty fridge for 15 minutes, then opting to eat out which takes another 30 minutes to decide, 10 minutes to drive there, and over an hour later to enjoy.  Thanks to Dave Ramsey, we also have planned out how we are going to spend every cent for the rest of the month, too.  In my opinion having a plan is freeing.

#2.  Accept help.  This was (honestly, still is) a difficult pill for me to swallow.  If you haven't gotten the picture that I tend to enjoy being in control just reread #1.  However, there is 0% chance I could be where I am, or do what I do, without the army around me.  Right now, streaming through my mind like a slide show are the faces of people who make my life possible.  From the nurses at work to my better half at home they are the reason I can get out of bed in the morning.  Even right now, my mom has my sick little boys for the morning so I could get some things done.  (I'm not sure blogging was what she had in mind.)  But truthfully, this should be bold and in 72-point font because it is that big of a necessity!

#3.  Prioritize.  There is a list of "correct" priorities I could spout off, and then there's the list of "true" priorities obvious by the choices I make every day.  What do I spend my time on?  Where does my money go?  What do I think about?  This is where the rubber meets the road.  This is where I admittedly fail over and over again.  I'm finally back in Bible study and am realizing how starved for it I've been.  My job already consumes most of me, and forcing myself to say "no" to the extra stuff is painful but oh-so needed.  Thankfully, it's getting easier for me to turn the t.v. off, but that hasn't always been the case.  And trying not to replace it with the computer takes some heavy duty conscious effort.  Also, there are still things on my list that haven't made it into the game yet (exercising being one).  Therefore, I still have a lot of work to do, and accountability to have.

#4.  The big picture.  It's no mistake that God has me reading the book of James at the moment.  He reminds me that my life is a mist.  A vapor.  Here today, gone tomorrow.  I can plan, prioritize, and do all I want only if it's His will.  Ouch.  Feel the sting.  I'm not in control, and thankfully, I'm not.  He is.  I get up in the morning thankful for the blessings I have and content that I'm a very small piece of a much bigger plan.

Well, maybe that answers the question a little better than "I don't know" although I feel like it still isn't adequate.  In summary, as Paul says, "I have learned [or, in my case, am learning] to be content whatever the circumstance... I can do everything through him who gives me strength [and who gives me two of the sweetest little boys, too!]"