Anxiety Disorder

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious.  This was the message at church this morning.  Do not be anxious.  It was not the first time I had heard or read this verse, but the conviction was thick today.  And the reason may surprise you; it surprised me.

You might think that having two children under two and a more-than-full-time job would be a good excuse for a case of anxiety, but I can honestly say that isn't usually something I struggle with.  Control.  Pride.  Selfishness.  Those are more me.  Therefore, today's command to "not be anxious" should have been easy.

Instead, the message began with a sentence that resonated in my head (and still is - hence the blog): "Anxiety is not a condition to be managed, it is a sin to be repented of."  Never, and I mean never, have I thought of anxiousness as a sin.  And when this statement landed on my ears this morning, I was sure Scott was wrong.  That can't be.  Afterall, I've been managing people's anxiety as a diseased condition in my clinic nearly every day.

No joke.  Rarely a day goes by where I'm not treating someone for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or Panic Disorder, or Adjustment Disorder, or Bipolar Disorder, or Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, or Subtance Abuse Disorder, or Social Anxiety Disorder.  There have been so many patients, that I'm getting pretty good at making the diagnosis within moments of walking in the room.  The way they figit.  The way they try to answer questions thoroughly, correctly, quickly.  The way their eyes beg for someone to help them.  Anxiousness seems to ooze out of the pores of those who struggle with it to the point it hangs like a fog clouding the room.  It's hard to miss.

Scott went on to read the verse above, and I found it harder to argue with him.  Just then, he layed on an extra layer and put my profession in the hot seat.  "We turn to doctors [uh eh, me] to numb us, instead of God to heal us."  (I'm paraphrasing.)  Ouch.  Have I been the enabler?  Have I been hindering my patient's true healing?

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.  Part of me still wants to argue that it is a biologic condition involving the imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain that can, and should, be treated with medication and therapy.  Yet this new part of me is whispering: it's sin.

I wish all of my patient's knew Jesus and knew the peace which transcends all understanding.  And I wish I knew where to go from here.  What to think.  What to do.

Harnessing the Whirlwind by Jason (the husband)

Susan asked me to guest blog because she's running out of good ideas.  Just kidding!  She's been trying to get me to blog for over a year now and I actually started one last summer but in my mind I knew I would never write at a high enough quality to make it interesting.  The funny thing is, I always enjoyed writing.  In fact, not a lot of people know this about me but I started as a journalism major but couldn't handle the parameters of the job and downright shallow expectations of the profession.  I was worried my personal blog would be filled with KC Royals statistics and random Husker thoughts.  Believe it or not, I will admit Susan might be right.  After all, she is a doctor and she's pretty smart so maybe I do have something interesting to say (or not). 

The real reason I never blog is because I fool myself into thinking I don't have time.  Just the same as I do about reading the Bible daily (working on this), calling my family members (I really am sorry...), and washing the dishes (probably not going to change).  However, I am excited to do this...and I am not a "phase" person who changes their likes/dislikes often, usually I stick with something I am excited about. 

Sometimes, I feel like life goes way too fast - the coach in me likes to use cliches, anecdotes, and comparisons so bear with me.  One minute I have hair on my head (not my back) and driving my 1988 Honda Prelude with a freshly printed license around Omaha and a few minutes later here I am without hair on my head, driving to a real job, and raising two children.  How did it all happen?  Where did the time go?  Often, when people ask how things are going I tell them its been a whirlwind.  Not the answer they want to hear as most people prefer a simple "good" or "fine".  That's right - I compare my life to a blast of wind that's here and gone, sometimes in a few blinks of the eye.  There's nothing you can do to prevent it, but I think maybe you can soak up parts of it while it's present. 

I heard a sermon a few years ago that pleaded with us not to wish our lives away with anxiety and countdowns to the next big thing.  Since hearing that message, I have made a concerted effort to enjoy the little events, big moments, and the beautiful (don't tell anyone I actually said/typed "beautiful") things in life.  Susan is phenomenal at capturing these with the camera, but I capture them in my mind.  

Occasionally, when I am driving to work at 6:15 AM in the pitch dark I think about those moments.  The walks in the evening with Susan and the boys, the smell of firewood burning in the distance as the leaves turn orange (or brown - since I am supposedly color deficient) and crispy, eating chocolate chip ice cream with Susan while the boys sleep in the other room, taking my brothers to the pumpkin patch on a perfect fall day, enjoying Husker games with family who don't mind me complaining and then cheering, and listening to music that doesn't have words (thanks John Williams Pandora website). 

When I look back on this time in my life and feel really busy, I don't want to recall: the nights Susan was on call and I was mad about having to cook (i.e. order pizza and pack the boys in the car), the fact that I ignorantly took 6 graduate hours while starting a new job 25 miles away, getting really frustrated at work, constantly changing diapers...all of which is, a.k.a. the whirlwind.  It's important to slow it down and revel in the things that are actually important that won't always be here (like my hair, the Prelude, and somewhat in-shape body that could complete a triathlon were at one time). 

The historian and man in me is constantly thinking about legacies, particularly what makes people great, remembered, loved and admired.  History tends to remember people who made unpopular decisions, went against the grain, took risks, and made wise/rational decisions, and carved their own path (which probably explains why I am obsessed with Lewis & Clark and the pioneers).  In this busy world, it's easy to get trapped believing there isn't time and you can't enjoy but I will prove you can enjoy life regardless of what is bogging you down.  I am bound to not allow busyness, my job, and other factors out of my control determine my fate.  

I have been convicted to do this, and encourage anyone still with me at this point, to slow life down whenever possible and enjoy the best part...the present...because it's a gift.

Susan - thanks for letting me disrupt your incredible blog with my harangue.  I am not convinced you are right yet about this whole blogging thing but it felt good.  Oh yeah, rest assured I will not bore you in the future with exciting topics I had originally planned, such as: my rationale for dropping David Akers from my fantasy football team in Week 7, why the Royals should sign Alex Gordon to a long-term contract, or why people are way too critical of Taylor Martinez. 

Psalm 3:5

"I lie down and sleep;

I wake again, because the Lord sustains me."

There hasn't been one single, measly occasion in the last three months where my eyes have stayed closed for the entire night.  If it's not one thing, then it's another.  If it's not my pager, it's my baby.  If it's not my baby, it's my toddler.  If it's not my toddler, it's my cough.  And if it's not my cough, it's my mattress.  It's for this reason that I've slipped back to being the caffeine addict I swore I would never be again.  I think coffee in the morning and Diet Coke in the afternoon is a heavenly way for the Lord to sustain me.

On Call

Back by popular demand, a breakdown of a "typical" day on call.

SATURDAY

• 5:30AM - Feeding Griffin
• 6:30AM - Owen's up
• 7:30AM - Finishing charts from yesterday's clinic (Hate, Hate, HATE our electronic charts!)
• 8:30AM - Laundry
• 9:30AM - Showering and donning scrubs for being on call on a Saturday
• 10:30AM - Jason out replacing our stolen car stereo
• 11:30AM - Page from the ER for an admission (my call isn't supposed to start until noon, mind you)
• 12:30PM - At the hospital for the admission
• 1:30PM - Back at home
• 2:30PM - Answering a steady stream of pages, but at least I'm home.
• 3:30PM - Surprise tour of our house for Grandma.  Too bad I refused to do my usual Saturday clean because I'm on call.
• 4:30PM - Diagnosing & treating a nonverbal nursing home patient with a past medical history a mile long over the phone with a care taker who constantly reminds me that she has been gone for the last week so she doesn't know the answer to my questions.  Why did you call again?  Then asking myself why their primary doctor asked them to call the on call doctor (lucky me) today with an update.  What do you expect?
• 5:30PM - Back to the hospital.  Someone decided today would make a good birthday.
• 6:30PM - Wishing I spoke Spanish to speed up this H&P.
• 7:30PM - Made it back in time for kick-off.
• 8:30PM - Refreshing my knot tying skills using the shoestrings of my mom's tennis shoes between football plays.
• 9:30PM - Back at Labor & Delivery.  No, my patient wasn't ready yet.  I'm needed to assist with another patient's C-section.
• 10:30PM - Done in time to catch the last two minutes of the "you-didn't-miss-much" game.
• 11:30PM - Back again.  My laboring patient is almost ready, and I can tell the baby's heart rate is making the nurse nervous by the hurried tone her voice.

SUNDAY

• 12:30AM - Healthy baby boy!  (& no tears = no repair = done faster)
• 1:30AM - New patient in the Emergency Room needing to be admitted.
• 2:30AM -  Suggesting constipation treatments to a clinic patient.  (Yes, constipation at 2:30 in the morning.)
• 3:30AM - Emergency Room phone number is back on my pager for yet another admission.
• 4:30AM - Wishing again I spoke Spanish.  And wondering why it takes 5 minutes to answer "on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is your pain?"
• 5:30AM - Rounding on my other patients.
• 6:30AM - Still trying to get used to a new hospital system.
• 7:30AM - Came home to a smiling Owen in our bed next to a sacked out Daddy.  Jason must have been having as much fun as me in these early morning hours.
• 8:30AM - Ahh... call over = time to sleep.
• 9:30AM - Feeding Griffin.
• 10:30AM - Staring at the back of my eye lids
• 11:30AM - Slept right through church even though I had full intentions of going.
• 12:30PM - Up
• 1:30PM - Typing this blog.  :)